Reintegration

  There's one thing I didn't think two seconds about when preparing for KC's return from Afghanistan. Reintegration. It could be because I am a completely inexperienced Army girlfriend. It could be because I didn't think that anything would change over those seven and a half months (dumb or dumb?!). It could be because I knew this was his fifth time over to Afghanistan and he was fine after that last four, so why would the fifth affect him? It could be because my own excitement of my soldier's return overshadowed what was really occurring over there. All these things and more could be why I didn't think twice about reintegration. I wish that I would have realized that preparing for and getting through a deployment isn't the hardest thing. Sometimes its the lasting results of what your loved ones had to see and do for many months in a country completely incomparable to the country we live in.

 

 KC has been home from Afghanistan for about a week now, and it has been the hardest week of our entire relationship. I struggled with the thought of discussing such a painful part of my life on my blog. A painful time that was supposed to be one of the most joyous times. Do I really want to talk about how I feel like I got hit by a brick wall I didn't even see coming at me? As I pondered my thoughts on the situation I got to thinking. I originally started this blog as a way to document my first deployment as an Army girlfriend. I also created this blog so I could find solace in other military SOs and wives blogs. I think the latter has been what occurs more often, but none the less it should be noted that the  importance of talking about struggles is key. Things shouldn't be hidden. I also hope to hear from those who have struggled with reintegration or the after affects of war on their loved ones. I want those who are struggling with it right now to know that you're not alone.

I have a soldier that realizes that things are different right now and that for the first time in 5 deployments, he has been affected and feels a significant change. The things he was exposed to over there were horrible. Things that most people couldn't handle without having a mental and physical break down. I'm fortunate that I have a man that, despite his struggles with all the horrible events that occurred, wants to work through them and do some self discovery so that it doesn't ruin our relationship. This means more time spent apart. This was a tough thing to hear. I think I'm slowly working through it though by looking at things through his eyes. He's been stuck around the same people for over seven months. No alone time. I would go nuts. I know how much I love my alone time so I can't even imagine how much he wants his alone time. He is also a very strong person both mentally and physically. His way of dealing with things is thinking it through and having that time alone to do so. We made a compromise that he can have his alone time, but I still need communication. I need phone calls or texts every few days for my self assurance that he's doing ok, and that he's thinking about me. After we had a phone conversation last night I felt a huge weight come off my shoulders. We made compromises and agreements on certain things. Being on the same page as KC feels so good. Now it is my turn to be patient while he works things out, and be there for him when he needs me. To keep that communication flowing because we both agree that is what is important in a relationship. Especially one that involves a lot of time spent apart because that will always be the situation for us.

"Well, I won't give up on us. Even if the skies get rough, I'm giving you all my love, I'm still looking up and when you're needing your space to do some navigating I'll be here patiently waiting to see what you find"     

One of those days...

Today is just one of those days. A day where I find myself lost in my thoughts. My apartment is silent except for the hum of the refrigerator and the faint sound of the cars passing by on my street. Before I even realize how much time has passed I pull myself from my thoughts, my face in my hands just gazing out the window into the darkness that has fallen across Seattle for the night. My heart aches for KC. I let out a deep breath and realize the last time I felt this way was right before he was injured in November. It's one of those nights where I just wish with all my might that he would call me...That I could hear his voice and tell him how much I miss him.

It's coming up on the 6 month deployed mark, and March just won't leave fast enough.

Care Package: Valentine's Day Edition

I realize it's way past Valentine's day now, but I wanted to start documenting some of my care packages that I have sent over to KC. I absolutely LOVE making care packages for him. It's my way of showing him that I'm thinking about him and that he is loved. I always ask KC before I send a package if there is anything he wants me to put in it. He never gives any suggestions so I end up stocking it full of junk food/baked goods for the most part. At least he works out all the time so it balances itself out ;-)

My favorite care package that I have sent to him thus far is his Valentine's Day package so I figure that would be a good one to start with on my blog.

I used scrapbook sheets to line the bottom and the flaps of the box. I then glued foam convo hearts onto the scrapbook page that lined the bottom of the box. I printed out pictures of myself and KC to add to the flaps. That way when he got the package he could take the pictures off and keep them with him. Michael's Craft Store had the cutest decorations and that's where all these came from. Michael's even has a military pack of stickers which I purchased along with the Valentine's decor. The box was so shiny when you opened it, that I was hoping for a wow factor on his end when he received it :-)

Instead of using kisses, use dove hearts! Too bad when I vacuumed packed them the hearts turned into blobs. Wahh wahh

I filled his package with the following things:
-Shortbread cookies
-PB dove heart cookies
-Pretzel kiss M&M melts
-Coffee beans
-A long sleeve henley shirt from the gap
-Paper Soaps from Pier1 (compact tiny sheets of soap that you work up a lather using water..BRILLIANT for deployed soldiers)
-Love coupons for when he returns ;-)

 I had that box so crammed full of stuff that it hardly shut! 

Excitement

I've been semi stalking my only girlfriend, who is married to a soldier, for the past week. My reasons behind this are simple. Her husband comes home today. I cannot even imagine the emotion that she is experiencing right now. A check of Facebook a few minutes ago shows a picture of her and fellow Army wives waiting for their soldiers to de-plane. They are eagerly awaiting to see the smiling faces of the men they sent off to war nine months ago. Finally home. Back in their arms. Safe and sound.

My soldier returning home from deployment is on my mind every single day. Thousands of loved ones out there share the same thought as me on a daily basis. At the end of every day you get to tell yourself: Another day done, one less to go. You think in your head: Come back to me, you have to come back.

You've put so much effort into being strong, and continuing on with life even though a large piece of your life is thousands of miles away from you. The weekly or even daily emails you send to your soldier, full of pictures and words that describe what's been going on back home so that he can feel like he's not missing out on life.

You dream endlessly about the day your soldier, the man you love, will return home to you. I've spent so much time playing that day out in my head. What I plan on wearing for that first time I see him, what it will be like when he first walks into the room, and where will we go first when we get into the car? Will it be strange when we embrace and kiss for the first time in nine months? There are so many questions running through my mind. I have a feeling I'll be nervous, but in a good way. It will be a nervous that you get on your second or third date with someone you really have a crush on. Butterflies. I know I will feel butterflies.

Seeing and hearing from my friend this week about her husbands pending return has gotten me all excited. It's a strange feeling that I have never experience before. Being SO excited for someone that it's almost like an excitement for yourself. It's a reminder of what's to come. That you too will have your day. She has put in the hard work of being away from her husband for nine months, and once you do the same you too will be rewarded with a late night waiting in a gym until he de planes. To not be in the same presence as the man you love for (in my case) four months, and still have that feeling of total excitement at the thought of him coming home is exhilarating. It's proof that what we do as milspouses and milgfs is WORTH IT. Hang tough, ladies!

Only about four and a half months left of this to go..

Becoming Army Strong

I'm one month, and one week into this 9(ish) month deployment, and I feel like I'm starting to finally understand why Army wives, and girlfriends say deployment separates the girls from the women. This stuff is TOUGH. These last few days have really been kicking my ass emotionally. I haven't been able to get in contact with KC since Thursday night. He emailed me that night and said he would call me the next day (Friday) and here we are on a Monday night, and still no call. No reply to my email sent yesterday morning either. I have been so beat up about it. I've scoured the internet to see if something went down in his province, but I haven't been able to pull up anything on the web. I absolutely HATE doing that too, but I can't help it, I have to look around to see, for my own sanity. That's the worst part of being just a girlfriend, you're not told if something does happen-God forbid.

My absolute total fear during this whole deployment is that something happens to him, I don't find out til way later on. Or even worse, I find out from watching the news and not expecting it. KC's mom lives across the country so I haven't met her yet, and he promised me he gave her my number in case something does come up, but I still worry.

I hate that I haven't talked to him on the phone in over a week now. We had such a good communication schedule going for a couple of weeks. We'd email back and forth a few times a week, and talk on the phone about once a week as well. Now I haven't heard anything for four or so days. I haven't slept well since Friday night. Last night I went to bed late because I couldn't sleep. I woke up at 3am wide awake. I stayed awake until 5:30, then got about 30min shut eye before I had to get up and get ready for work. And  the tears!! What the heck!? I don't EVER cry, and I'm a big sobbing baby in my bed at night. I'm just so scared that something horrible is going to happen to him. I'm so excited for our future, and all that we have planned when he gets back. I'm terrified that all that will be swiped away from me in a moments notice.

I also feel it wouldn't be right to tell him all of this. I really don't want him being distracted over there by being worried that I'm ok over here. I'm strong, I know I'll get through this, but deployment is definitely not for the weak.

What did you do to combat the deployment blues, and become Army strong?

Goodnight bloggers.

I feel homesick, and I'm at home.

I keep trying to tell myself this.

 It's been a little over two weeks since KC deployed. I have had this same gross feeling in my stomach all weekend, and a heavy heart. I already really miss him. It's almost like a home sick feeling, but I'm sitting at home right now!! I think the fact that I haven't talked to him on the phone since last Sunday or received an email from him since last Monday makes it even worse. I hate not hearing from him for more than a few days. It's as if him talking to me, and me hearing his voice calms my nerves. The more often I hear from him the better I feel because I know he is alive and well. So here I am, seven days since I heard him, and three days since I sent him an email with no reply back yet. I realize this is probably normal for any soldier over in Afghanistan, but it still freaks me out.

I've been keeping relatively busy this weekend, but there still has been the thought of him in the back of my head. There always is, but this time it's the thought of wondering why I haven't gotten a email or phone call from him. Every time my phone notifies me of a new email I find myself holding my breath when I click on it. Holding my breath and hoping that when I open my inbox it will be an email from him. Not yet. I guess I will keep playing this game with myself until I hear from him.

It truly sucks being in this situation, and having no prior experience to know what the norm for all this deployment stuff going on. It sucks not having a support system of people who have gone through this before. If any of you out there can offer any words on this, please do. I'm really at a loss of what to think and do.

I should just kayak to Afghanistan!

KC was finally able to call me! Ok, so it has only been four days since he has left, but for someone who is new to this deployment stuff it was a long time with out talking on the phone. He emailed me Sunday evening saying he would call me when he got to his final spot. Today is Tuesday so I was expecting the call yesterday. No big deal though. I have been so happy that he has communicated via email, text, and phone call every one of those four days except one. It was great to hear his voice, and he sounds really good (although he's pumped to be over there and back in action so I should expect him to sound good!). I feel more secure the more I hear from him because it means he is alive and well. I'm so terrified of something happening to him and not hearing about it for days. We talked for about twenty minutes before his phone started to die. When we hung up I had the biggest smile on my face, and I feel it creeping up again now that I'm thinking about it.

After we got off the phone I decided to look on Google to see how far he is from me. I was looking for what the mileage was, but Google will always do you one better: They'll break it down to you by giving turn by turn directions, with no flight necessary! I started cracking up in my cubicle when I read down the list so I thought it was worth sharing some screen captures of the directions.

In order to get there I must Kayak the Pacific Ocean from Seattle to Hawaii, some 3,000 miles (according to Google), and then Kayak from Hawaii to Japan. I must then know how to read Japanese/Korean so I know which streets to take.

Next up, it looks like I need to Jet Ski some almost 500 miles from Japan up through Korea(I'm going by the map since I don't know what language is listed in the directions. I would have loved to Jet ski all the way from Seattle, but it appears Google is pretty smart and knows a jet ski's range in gas is no where near 3,000 miles. Some 996 hours later; I will be in Afghanistan with my boy. That equals out to forty days.

I love Google Maps. Thanks for the laugh, Google. I needed it.

Live like he deploys tomorow..or two weeks from now.

Well here it begins. I told myself I would start a blog to at least get myself through these nine plus months to come. No I'm not pregnant, but I'll explain what all this nine plus months business is about shortly. I began reading blogs more regularly when I became a member of the highly addictive PINTEREST. Holey moley that site has sucked me in for hours at a time, and severely affected my productivity at work and at home. Pinterest is seriously never ending in whatever you are looking for. As I began compiling fun boards that included what I would love to have in my wardrobe, things I will (might) eventually cook, and too many funny quotes I came across something more than just fun pictures and sayings. I discovered wonderful blogs written by some very bright individuals (mainly females, let's get serious!). I found blogs on cooking, cleaning, crafting and much more. It's so overwhelming! It's a good overwhelming though. I felt so much inspiration, and I still get the "rush" of inspiration when I read through them. Sadly, I don't feel I am as creative as a lot of these bloggers. However, I decided I could use blogging to mold a blog into something that could benefit myself and *hopefully* others (fingers crossed). When I say benefit, I don't mean I'm going to give you an amazing new apple pie recipe or tell you what you should pair your newest heels with. I'm more looking to converse with people about things such as books, reality tv, activities we're involved with, and military life. There you have it. The final part of why I decided to start a blog. I'm an Army girlfriend who is facing her boyfriend's first deployment (Ok, he's already been deployed four times before this, but I've yet to ever experience such a thing so for me it's a first!)

I met KC on fourth of July 2011 at a fireworks show (Kind of funny because we both work for this fine country). We hung out a few times in early August, but we both were sent to places far away from our homes for over four months shortly after we were finally able to start going out on dates. I wasn't sold on him at first, but by about date three I really liked him. We were able to somewhat communicate while we were apart, but I wasn't sure what would come of this when we both returned to the PNW.

We were finally both back in town in mid Febuary and that's when we really started our dating relationship. We hung around each other a lot more. Went out to dinner, did fun activities, and really got to know each other. We thought KC was going to be gone for three months in the spring time, and that's what really solidified the relationship. I didn't want to be single anymore or date anyone else (after being single for a year a half. I'm picky!). The three months of being gone didn't end up happening, which was fine by me because I knew we both had other things for work that would take us to different parts of the country throughout the following months and a deployment was on the horizon. Anyway, fast forward to present day: September 2012. I found out a month ago that KC would be leaving in September for a nine month deployment to Afghanistan. He was pumped to get back into action over there. He's such an adrenaline seeker! I was not so pumped. I'd never been through anything like this! Not to mention the fact that I seem to come across every single horrible thing that happens over there, and can't stop my mind from fearing the worst. I don't even know how to even begin to deal with this sort of life event that has been placed in front of me.

To come full circle: I started looking on pinterest at deployment pictures and quotes. I started finding military spouses/girlfriends blogs and I loved reading what they wrote about because I feel like I could relate. I know one friend whose husband is currently deployed in Afghanistan. That's it. I don't leave near the post so I'm not surrounded by those in a similar situation as me. Even the wives of my boyfriends group members have left to go back to their families while their husbands are gone. It's a terrible feeling to go through something when there is no one around to relate to. I'm hoping to connect with people on here that have been through military life and deployment. I also plan on using this blog as a way to get creative and grow as a person and not just be bogged down while he's away. I don't have a goal of how often I'm going to blog or what about, but writing this post is a start. If nothing else, I know I will enjoy looking back at the journey when it's all over with.