One of those days...

Today is just one of those days. A day where I find myself lost in my thoughts. My apartment is silent except for the hum of the refrigerator and the faint sound of the cars passing by on my street. Before I even realize how much time has passed I pull myself from my thoughts, my face in my hands just gazing out the window into the darkness that has fallen across Seattle for the night. My heart aches for KC. I let out a deep breath and realize the last time I felt this way was right before he was injured in November. It's one of those nights where I just wish with all my might that he would call me...That I could hear his voice and tell him how much I miss him.

It's coming up on the 6 month deployed mark, and March just won't leave fast enough.

We Wait. We Hope. We Pray.

 Until you're home again.

I was very touched by the Jeep/USO/Oprah super bowl commercial yesterday. It was incredibly unexpected during an event that always tries to out do all other companies in how ridiculous and funny their commercials are. I think what was most touching about it was the fact that it is all so true. All those things that Oprah said, we military folks experience on a daily basis. The every day civilian doesn't understand the pain the we endure on a daily basis, and the strength that we gain from sending our loved ones to the war.

 "Because when you're home we're more than a family, we are a nation that is whole, again."

It has been noted that the US has all but forgotten about the war in Afghanistan, and this commercial is a reminder to those who have forgotten. We are still fighting. We are still sending soldiers to harms way. We are still waiting, hoping, and praying that our soldier will return to us once again. That the end is in sight. We can hardly wait until the troops are pulled, and our nation can start to heal the wounds that have injured our hearts, minds, and bodies for the last decade.


The end is in sight for my soldier. Reaching the double digits was a huge milestone. However, we still have time left, and so I will continue to wait, hope, and pray. Every single day. He will have a favorite meal, and a warm bed waiting for him when he touches back down on US soil.

They said it would get better & it has..

I don't recall exactly where I read about the timeline of a deployment, but it was probabley in one of the many (probabley hundreds!) of blogs I have read that involve military and deployment. They said it would be rough the first two months, and then after that time you would start to be back in your routine, and able to carry on with life better. They were right.

Being that this is my first experience with deployment I had no idea whether there was any truth to that. I couldn't imagine ever shaking the feeling of always worrying that KC was okay. For those first two months I was terrified and physically sick to my stomach if I didn't hear from him throughout the week. During the first two months I had one chunk of time where I didn't hear anything for over a week, and was told I would hear from him. I think that makes it even worse; being told you will get a call from your soldier on a specific day, and that day comes and goes and more pass by and you hear nothing. You start to fear the worst.

When you least expect it you get a call at 4am, and it's him. You forget all the fear that sat in the pit of your stomach, because it doesn't matter anymore. He's safe. Slowly, but surely you start to adjust to having him over there, and the terrible fear that was at the front of your mind moves slowly to the rear..just a little bit.

Although it's been almost three months since I last saw him, I still miss him as much as the day we last touched, if not more. I know for a fact I miss him more with everyday that passes, but I think I have learned how to cope with his absence. The last two days have been rough though. I really miss him. It's not the terrified feeling that I have had in the past, it's the longing type of missing someone you love. I'm starting to really miss the small things. Hanging out at home doing nothing. Going out for our usual Saturday morning breakfast. I miss being able to touch him, and laugh with him. I miss seeing the look on his face when he sees me. The look that makes me feel like the prettiest girl in the world.

Even though this is not an ideal situation for a relationship, it still works. Military relationships don't make sense to those who have never experienced them. I for one will be the first to admit that my view on military families has completely changed. I just wish that it didn't take me being in a relationship with a soldier to see this. I think that we would all look at the world a little bit different if we all saw the world through a member of a military relationships' eyes.

This is to you, the military wife..

I saw this blog post on one of my friend's facebook pages, and thought it was really touching. The author also collected people's pictures to incorporate them into the post. Love it. My favorite quote from it:

"This is to you, the one who waits for a call, who keeps your cell phone glued to your hand. To you, the one who checks the mailbox incessantly and refreshes your inbox ten times an hour. You, the one who quells the ever present pit in your stomach and refuses to listen to the news."

http://ashleighbaker.net/2012/11/this-is-to-you-the-military-wife/

I may not be a military wife, but I can really relate to, and appreciate this post.

Goodnight, bloggers.

Becoming Army Strong

I'm one month, and one week into this 9(ish) month deployment, and I feel like I'm starting to finally understand why Army wives, and girlfriends say deployment separates the girls from the women. This stuff is TOUGH. These last few days have really been kicking my ass emotionally. I haven't been able to get in contact with KC since Thursday night. He emailed me that night and said he would call me the next day (Friday) and here we are on a Monday night, and still no call. No reply to my email sent yesterday morning either. I have been so beat up about it. I've scoured the internet to see if something went down in his province, but I haven't been able to pull up anything on the web. I absolutely HATE doing that too, but I can't help it, I have to look around to see, for my own sanity. That's the worst part of being just a girlfriend, you're not told if something does happen-God forbid.

My absolute total fear during this whole deployment is that something happens to him, I don't find out til way later on. Or even worse, I find out from watching the news and not expecting it. KC's mom lives across the country so I haven't met her yet, and he promised me he gave her my number in case something does come up, but I still worry.

I hate that I haven't talked to him on the phone in over a week now. We had such a good communication schedule going for a couple of weeks. We'd email back and forth a few times a week, and talk on the phone about once a week as well. Now I haven't heard anything for four or so days. I haven't slept well since Friday night. Last night I went to bed late because I couldn't sleep. I woke up at 3am wide awake. I stayed awake until 5:30, then got about 30min shut eye before I had to get up and get ready for work. And  the tears!! What the heck!? I don't EVER cry, and I'm a big sobbing baby in my bed at night. I'm just so scared that something horrible is going to happen to him. I'm so excited for our future, and all that we have planned when he gets back. I'm terrified that all that will be swiped away from me in a moments notice.

I also feel it wouldn't be right to tell him all of this. I really don't want him being distracted over there by being worried that I'm ok over here. I'm strong, I know I'll get through this, but deployment is definitely not for the weak.

What did you do to combat the deployment blues, and become Army strong?

Goodnight bloggers.

I feel homesick, and I'm at home.

I keep trying to tell myself this.

 It's been a little over two weeks since KC deployed. I have had this same gross feeling in my stomach all weekend, and a heavy heart. I already really miss him. It's almost like a home sick feeling, but I'm sitting at home right now!! I think the fact that I haven't talked to him on the phone since last Sunday or received an email from him since last Monday makes it even worse. I hate not hearing from him for more than a few days. It's as if him talking to me, and me hearing his voice calms my nerves. The more often I hear from him the better I feel because I know he is alive and well. So here I am, seven days since I heard him, and three days since I sent him an email with no reply back yet. I realize this is probably normal for any soldier over in Afghanistan, but it still freaks me out.

I've been keeping relatively busy this weekend, but there still has been the thought of him in the back of my head. There always is, but this time it's the thought of wondering why I haven't gotten a email or phone call from him. Every time my phone notifies me of a new email I find myself holding my breath when I click on it. Holding my breath and hoping that when I open my inbox it will be an email from him. Not yet. I guess I will keep playing this game with myself until I hear from him.

It truly sucks being in this situation, and having no prior experience to know what the norm for all this deployment stuff going on. It sucks not having a support system of people who have gone through this before. If any of you out there can offer any words on this, please do. I'm really at a loss of what to think and do.

I should just kayak to Afghanistan!

KC was finally able to call me! Ok, so it has only been four days since he has left, but for someone who is new to this deployment stuff it was a long time with out talking on the phone. He emailed me Sunday evening saying he would call me when he got to his final spot. Today is Tuesday so I was expecting the call yesterday. No big deal though. I have been so happy that he has communicated via email, text, and phone call every one of those four days except one. It was great to hear his voice, and he sounds really good (although he's pumped to be over there and back in action so I should expect him to sound good!). I feel more secure the more I hear from him because it means he is alive and well. I'm so terrified of something happening to him and not hearing about it for days. We talked for about twenty minutes before his phone started to die. When we hung up I had the biggest smile on my face, and I feel it creeping up again now that I'm thinking about it.

After we got off the phone I decided to look on Google to see how far he is from me. I was looking for what the mileage was, but Google will always do you one better: They'll break it down to you by giving turn by turn directions, with no flight necessary! I started cracking up in my cubicle when I read down the list so I thought it was worth sharing some screen captures of the directions.

In order to get there I must Kayak the Pacific Ocean from Seattle to Hawaii, some 3,000 miles (according to Google), and then Kayak from Hawaii to Japan. I must then know how to read Japanese/Korean so I know which streets to take.

Next up, it looks like I need to Jet Ski some almost 500 miles from Japan up through Korea(I'm going by the map since I don't know what language is listed in the directions. I would have loved to Jet ski all the way from Seattle, but it appears Google is pretty smart and knows a jet ski's range in gas is no where near 3,000 miles. Some 996 hours later; I will be in Afghanistan with my boy. That equals out to forty days.

I love Google Maps. Thanks for the laugh, Google. I needed it.

Soaking up those last few weekends

Since KC leaves in less than a week, we have been trying to spend our weekends doing lots of fun activities. Also making sure that we soak up the last bit of wonderful weather we have been having here in the NW! August and September have by far been the nicest months of this year. I think every year it gets later and later into the summer before we have warm, sunny weather. I'll take whatever I can get though!

Over labor day weekend we hung around close to home, but still managed to partake in a few firsts. On Saturday we went to The Seattle Great Wheel. This great wheel is a big ferris wheel located on the Seattle waterfront. It was completed earlier this summer and has been all the talk among locals. This was an attraction that had been planned for some thirty years, but of course it got caught up in the usual problems that such a big structure gets caught up in (permits and such). The big wheel is one of the largest ferris wheels in the country. It stands 175 feet tall and goes forty feet over Elliot bay! It features forty two climate controlled gondolas--which is essential to Seattle because it's not warm all year round (surprise!). There are a few "VIP" gondolas. These include four leather bucket seats, and a glass bottom.

I had never been on ANY ferris wheel so this one kind of freaked me out at first! You do a total of three rotations: the first one is getting everyone loaded, and the following two go non stop. Not going to lie, I was a little freaked out at first when I saw how high we got! At that point I was happy we didn't shell out the big bucks for the VIP gondola that included the glass bottom. By the end though I was a lot more comfortable and couldn't believe how smooth the ride was.

KC inside the wheel!

The view from the top!

On Sunday we trekked down to the coast to go knock something off my bucket list..riding horses on the beach! I was supposed to go visit KC in August down in California while he was down there training, but of course the Army decided otherwise when the weather wasn't at their standards and their weekend was rescheduled for training instead of leisure time. Trip cancelled :-( We had beach horse back riding scheduled down in San Diego, but of course had to cancel that as well. KC wanted to make it up to me.

KC hanging on the beach

Chester and I

KC and Ed

Let's just say this beach riding wasn't all romantic like I thought it would be! Chester (my horse) would walk for about five seconds and then it would start trotting. Trotting is not comfortable. I don't understand why they don't make saddles more padded? I would pull back on the reins to get him to walk again and that would work for a few seconds and then once again he would start trotting. I would pull back on the reins again and he would sometimes slow down. It would get to the point where he didn't even want to pay attention. KC sure got a kick out of watching me though. Anyone else ever experienced something similar when riding a horse?

Overall it was a wonderful day, the sun was shining, and I spent the day with my love. Can't get better than that.

Live like he deploys tomorow..or two weeks from now.

Well here it begins. I told myself I would start a blog to at least get myself through these nine plus months to come. No I'm not pregnant, but I'll explain what all this nine plus months business is about shortly. I began reading blogs more regularly when I became a member of the highly addictive PINTEREST. Holey moley that site has sucked me in for hours at a time, and severely affected my productivity at work and at home. Pinterest is seriously never ending in whatever you are looking for. As I began compiling fun boards that included what I would love to have in my wardrobe, things I will (might) eventually cook, and too many funny quotes I came across something more than just fun pictures and sayings. I discovered wonderful blogs written by some very bright individuals (mainly females, let's get serious!). I found blogs on cooking, cleaning, crafting and much more. It's so overwhelming! It's a good overwhelming though. I felt so much inspiration, and I still get the "rush" of inspiration when I read through them. Sadly, I don't feel I am as creative as a lot of these bloggers. However, I decided I could use blogging to mold a blog into something that could benefit myself and *hopefully* others (fingers crossed). When I say benefit, I don't mean I'm going to give you an amazing new apple pie recipe or tell you what you should pair your newest heels with. I'm more looking to converse with people about things such as books, reality tv, activities we're involved with, and military life. There you have it. The final part of why I decided to start a blog. I'm an Army girlfriend who is facing her boyfriend's first deployment (Ok, he's already been deployed four times before this, but I've yet to ever experience such a thing so for me it's a first!)

I met KC on fourth of July 2011 at a fireworks show (Kind of funny because we both work for this fine country). We hung out a few times in early August, but we both were sent to places far away from our homes for over four months shortly after we were finally able to start going out on dates. I wasn't sold on him at first, but by about date three I really liked him. We were able to somewhat communicate while we were apart, but I wasn't sure what would come of this when we both returned to the PNW.

We were finally both back in town in mid Febuary and that's when we really started our dating relationship. We hung around each other a lot more. Went out to dinner, did fun activities, and really got to know each other. We thought KC was going to be gone for three months in the spring time, and that's what really solidified the relationship. I didn't want to be single anymore or date anyone else (after being single for a year a half. I'm picky!). The three months of being gone didn't end up happening, which was fine by me because I knew we both had other things for work that would take us to different parts of the country throughout the following months and a deployment was on the horizon. Anyway, fast forward to present day: September 2012. I found out a month ago that KC would be leaving in September for a nine month deployment to Afghanistan. He was pumped to get back into action over there. He's such an adrenaline seeker! I was not so pumped. I'd never been through anything like this! Not to mention the fact that I seem to come across every single horrible thing that happens over there, and can't stop my mind from fearing the worst. I don't even know how to even begin to deal with this sort of life event that has been placed in front of me.

To come full circle: I started looking on pinterest at deployment pictures and quotes. I started finding military spouses/girlfriends blogs and I loved reading what they wrote about because I feel like I could relate. I know one friend whose husband is currently deployed in Afghanistan. That's it. I don't leave near the post so I'm not surrounded by those in a similar situation as me. Even the wives of my boyfriends group members have left to go back to their families while their husbands are gone. It's a terrible feeling to go through something when there is no one around to relate to. I'm hoping to connect with people on here that have been through military life and deployment. I also plan on using this blog as a way to get creative and grow as a person and not just be bogged down while he's away. I don't have a goal of how often I'm going to blog or what about, but writing this post is a start. If nothing else, I know I will enjoy looking back at the journey when it's all over with.